The full intensity of grief is often not felt until after the funeral service, when the “structure” and ceremony of mourning – visitation, funeral service, burial or cremation and wake – has ended and everyone else returns to their normal life.
The busyness of being surrounded by people has now been replaced by a sense of emptiness and loneliness as you begin to create a “new normal” for yourself.
After the funeral there will probably still be paperwork and possessions to be sorted and legal matters to be attended to while you adjust to the “new normal” of living your day-to-day life without your loved one.
Unfortunately, there’s no way to avoid intense feelings of grief, however these tips from other people who have also suffered the loss of a loved one may help you to get through the immediate weeks after the funeral.
Don’t set yourself a timeline for your grief or a check list of stages you have to move through. Every person’s grief will be different and whatever type of loss you’ve suffered, there’s no right or wrong way to grieve.
Whether you cry or you never shed a tear, don’t judge yourself, worry that you should grieve in a different way, or create a schedule for your grief. There’s not a “correct” way to grief and your grieving may take weeks, months, or even years.
Suppressing your grief will not make it go away, so let yourself grieve in the way that feels right for you.
Triggers for grief are often unexpected and can be impossible to avoid. What might trigger you one day will be different another day. Photos, songs, a smell, a sound, foods or seeing other people – anything that reminds you of the person you have lost may unexpectedly trigger a wave of painful emotions.
Other triggers, such as Christmas, holidays, anniversaries, graduations and birthdays, are more predictable and it can help to talk to your family and close friends about how you are feeling as you approach these dates and maybe even discussing new ways to mark these milestones and occasions.
Especially in the early days after the funeral, it is natural to feel a wide range of emotions and experience strong physical reactions to your grief, such as being overwhelmed and not able to eat, sleep or focus on anything.
You may feel as if there is no meaning to anything anymore, feeling numb, empty, confused and exhausted. Anger that your loved one has gone and left you behind is also a common reaction.
Many people experience feelings of guilt about the last thing they said to their loved one, unresolved disputes or even not being there with them as they died. Or they worry about how others expect them to grieve, how to move on or they wonder if they will ever feel better again or be able to cope.
Whatever you are feeling is totally normal and it will eventually become easier with time as you learn to sit with these feelings – so don’t be annoyed or frustrated with yourself.
Try to treat yourself with the same tender loving care that you would give to a friend who was in the same situation.
Eating a healthy diet and sleeping when you can will give you the stamina you need to cope with your grief. And although it can be tempting to numb your grief with alcohol or drugs, in the long term they will only make you feel worse and the grief will still be there.
Spending time outdoors, gardening, walking, exercise, deep breathing, meditation, and yoga are all excellent tools to help practise self care and manage your grief.
It will probably feel quite counterintuitive when all you want to do is to hide under the doona, however spending time in nature can really lift your spirits.
Don’t try to do everything on your own even though you will probably feel like shutting yourself away from the rest of the world. If talking about your loss is just too hard, sometimes simply being around family and friends who care about you can really help.
Family and friends often don’t know what to say or how to help so don’t hesitate to tell others what you need and ask for help, even if it’s just being there to listen.
Remember, talking about your grief won’t make you a burden to your family and friends – they will want to help!
If you need further support with your grief, talk to your GP, join a bereavement support group, talk to a bereavement counsellor or call Lifeline – 13 11 14 – for 24-hour crisis support from a trained health professional.
We’ve created this step-by-step guide to help you create a fitting tribute to your loved one without it sounding like a CV or a chronological list of their life events … AND keep yourself together while delivering it.
Just remember, although writing a eulogy may be one of the toughest things you’ll ever do… it can be the most rewarding!
Write down all the facts and stories you remember about that person, such as their age, childhood, siblings, education, job, marriage dates, places lived, children, etc.
Now think about how you know that person.
Don’t try to become a sudden expert on their work life, for example, if you were their child or grandchild. Keep it real and focus on the person you knew, your relationship to them and the context you knew them in.
Sometimes there will be more than one eulogy, so work together to make sure you’re not repeating the same information.
If there is only one eulogy and you are presenting it, do your research and talk to people who did know the other aspects of their life, especially those who shared years of friendship and memories. There will often be more than the stories you remember… ask others to contribute their memories too.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help because it’s also a good way to help heal the hurt others might feel if they had wanted to speak at the funeral but weren’t asked.
No matter how well people think they know the deceased, they often come away from a funeral learning something new and interesting about another part of that person’s life that they were not a part of.
The sort of things people want to hear about the person who has died, include:
Remember that everyone at the funeral had a different relationship with the person who has died, so always be inclusive and acknowledge those relationships in your eulogy. A good way to make a eulogy more inclusive is to include stories that also involve friends and family members who are present.
Write the eulogy in a way that anybody listening could understand what was being said about the deceased even if they didn’t know them at that stage of their life.
A eulogy is not the time nor the place to focus on negative or unpleasant aspects of the deceased’s life.
Mourners do not want to or need to hear about:
Although there is certainly a place for humour, this is not an opportunity to “roast” the deceased and you should always remain respectful.
Lists are long and boring. People remember stories and connect through stories.
It is impossible to summarise the events of a whole life into one eulogy – you cannot include everything. Save some stories and events to be shared at the wake or in a more appropriate context with the friends and family who will find these more detailed stories meaningful.
Many eulogy writers fall into the trap of composing a chronological list of events to illustrate the life of the deceased – these types of eulogies are long and boring and often sound like a CV. Instead, think about the key stories and quotes that best illuminate the life of your loved one.
To organise the structure of your eulogy, write down all your thoughts and memories on small cards or post-it notes. You can then arrange these in a logical order once you’re ready to structure your eulogy.
If you’re uncertain where to begin, one way to approach it is to write a letter to your loved one. Although you probably won’t deliver the eulogy in this format, it will help you to keep it personal.
Ask your family and friends to read through the draft of your eulogy, identify any errors, provide feedback on the structure/flow of your eulogy and offer suggestions on other material you might want to include.
If you are not used to speaking in public, the best way to practice is to read your speech aloud to yourself in front of a mirror and then in front of family and friends.
To help polish your eulogy delivery and work out timing:
If you are the only person delivering a eulogy aim to make it between 5-10 minutes long. If there are several eulogies, try to keep it to 3-5 minutes long and talk to the other people delivering eulogies to ensure you are all focusing on different aspects of the deceased’s life and not repeating the same stories.
Don’t forget to let the minister or funeral celebrant know how long your eulogy will be so they can plan the length of the funeral.
If you’re worried that you might become overcome with emotion while delivering the eulogy, have a close family member or friend stand next to you. Ask the minister, funeral celebrant or friend if they would be willing to take over if needed and give them a copy of the eulogy.
Knowing you have a backup speaker will probably be all you need to give you the strength and confidence to be able to deliver the eulogy.
Delivering the eulogy is a privilege and honour, the ultimate and last gift you can give someone you love.
Above all, be yourself. Don’t try to be too funny or too serious if that is not your personality.
Remember to breathe and know that everyone in the room is rooting for you and that it is okay to show emotion. It’s okay to smile, giggle and laugh…after all, life is fun, not sad!
Be proud of yourself…It is said that most people would rather be in the coffin than give the Eulogy.
To find out more about ways the team at Funerals at Design can help you with any aspect of planning a funeral, burial, cremation or a wake, get in touch. We’re here to help!
If the formality of a traditional church funeral or the impersonality of a crematorium service just doesn’t feel right, you’re not alone. Increasingly, families are looking for ways to personalise funerals and wakes and create meaningful farewells that truly reflect the person who has died.
As well as serving favourite foods of the deceased at the wake and sharing stories and favourite memories, here are some additional ways you can put the personality back into the funeral or wake, rather than a one-size-fits-all approach.
Rather than spending thousands of dollars on a formal, highly lacquered coffin or casket, there are now many cheaper, more environmentally-friendly alternatives that can also be personalised.
Cardboard coffins can be decorated with paper, fabric or drawn on either before or during the service.
Woven wicker coffins can be decorated with flowers or even have items of meaning to the deceased, such as handbags, attached to the sides.
If there is no coffin or urn, a memorial table can be used as the focal point for the memorial as a tangible reminder of the person who has died to help guests feel their presence at the service and the wake.
Items you might want to place on the memorial table may include a framed photo of the deceased surrounded by:
These items could also be used as decorations and given as a thank-you gift to attendees at the end of the wake.
Colour is a simple but wonderful way to brighten the event and bring all the guests together.
What was the favourite colour of the deceased? Were they passionate about a sporting team or the colours of the flag of the country where they were born?
Ask everybody to wear the particular colour or colour combination and use it to decorate the venue with bunting, streamers, serviettes, tablecloths, flowers, candles etc.
Photos spark memories and lead to people sharing stories. This is such an important part of any funeral and memorial but it can take a bit of time to organise so enlist help and ask close friends and family to share their photos with you.
Photos can be presented both physically and digitally as a slide show – a great job to give to the more technical members of the family.
Use photo boards, hang photos on a line of string with mini pegs, have an entire table of framed photos from around their house, scatter photos around the tables in the venue so people can see different photos wherever they move to.
You could also ask guests to BYO a copy of their favourite photo of the deceased, which is a great way to collate photos from all parts and stages of their life.
Is there a family member or friend who could perform a song that was special to the deceased? Was there an instrument they loved to play? You can also include the words to songs on the order of service if you want everybody to sing along.
Use special songs as a soundtrack for a photographic slideshow that is played at the funeral or the wake. Create a Spotify playlist of the deceased “greatest hits” to be shared with all the guests or uploaded to the living memorial website.
A journal, memory jar, chalk board or memorial stone station allows family and friends to write memories and messages over the duration of the wake.
You can also record memories digitally if guests feel comfortable being recorded. Ask a question such as “Where did you meet the person?” “What was your favourite memory of that person?” or even asking them to share something about the deceased that others might not know.
If you’re planning your own farewell, you might want to record messages to your loved ones as a living reminder of what you looked and sounded like or handwrite letters or cards.
Allocate enough time for an open mic session during wake so people can open up and say something in an informal way that doesn’t involve the stress of preparing a formal speech or a eulogy.
If people are comfortable being recorded, the open mic session can be added to the living memorial as a way to add layers of memory from different perspectives and different parts of the deceased person’s life.
If the person you are farewelling loved board games or jigsaws, have game stations or their treasured jigsaws scattered around the wake and encourage guests to participate. Maybe even host a game night in their honour.
Did your loved one do the crossword or other puzzles every morning? Creating a crossword puzzle or word search that asks questions about the deceased or represents their favourite things and passions and give a copy of the puzzles to everyone at the wake.
What were their favourite foods and drinks? Were there recipes they were famous for cooking? Was there a particular cuisine they enjoyed? A food or drink that represents their culture and heritage?
Mix up jugs of their favourite cocktail or create a gin or whiskey tasting station. Serve craft beers or VB – what did they like? Hire a coffee van or a mobile pizza oven. Bring in sushi platters or create grazing plates. Serve red wine with their favourite cheeses on a platter.
The ideas are endless for creating food that reflect the tastes of your loved one.
It is customary at a wedding for the bride and groom to give a small gift to their guests and this can be done at a memorial service, wake or a celebration of life too.
There are so many gift ideas that you can personalise to reflect the deceased.
If a house has to be emptied (and especially if the deceased was a collector), you could also hand out thank you gifts such as thimbles, teacups, handbags, spoons, men’s tools, playing cards, crystal glasses or vases, artworks, vinyl records, books or magazines from their collection, scarves, or t-shirts.
Whether you’re organising a funeral or a wake for a family member or planning your own farewell, there are so many ways to honor and reflect the personality of your loved one or to ensure you can “go your own way”.
If you would like some help with personalising a funeral or a wake, get in touch. We’re here to help.
