The full intensity of grief is often not felt until after the funeral service, when the “structure” and ceremony of mourning – visitation, funeral service, burial or cremation and wake – has ended and everyone else returns to their normal life.
The busyness of being surrounded by people has now been replaced by a sense of emptiness and loneliness as you begin to create a “new normal” for yourself.
Getting through the days and weeks after the funeral
After the funeral there will probably still be paperwork and possessions to be sorted and legal matters to be attended to while you adjust to the “new normal” of living your day-to-day life without your loved one.
Unfortunately, there’s no way to avoid intense feelings of grief, however these tips from other people who have also suffered the loss of a loved one may help you to get through the immediate weeks after the funeral.
Grieve your way, in your own time and without judgement
Don’t set yourself a timeline for your grief or a check list of stages you have to move through. Every person’s grief will be different and whatever type of loss you’ve suffered, there’s no right or wrong way to grieve.
Whether you cry or you never shed a tear, don’t judge yourself, worry that you should grieve in a different way, or create a schedule for your grief. There’s not a “correct” way to grief and your grieving may take weeks, months, or even years.
Suppressing your grief will not make it go away, so let yourself grieve in the way that feels right for you.
Accept that there will be triggers
Triggers for grief are often unexpected and can be impossible to avoid. What might trigger you one day will be different another day. Photos, songs, a smell, a sound, foods or seeing other people – anything that reminds you of the person you have lost may unexpectedly trigger a wave of painful emotions.
Other triggers, such as Christmas, holidays, anniversaries, graduations and birthdays, are more predictable and it can help to talk to your family and close friends about how you are feeling as you approach these dates and maybe even discussing new ways to mark these milestones and occasions.
Coping with a wide range of feelings
Especially in the early days after the funeral, it is natural to feel a wide range of emotions and experience strong physical reactions to your grief, such as being overwhelmed and not able to eat, sleep or focus on anything.
You may feel as if there is no meaning to anything anymore, feeling numb, empty, confused and exhausted. Anger that your loved one has gone and left you behind is also a common reaction.
Many people experience feelings of guilt about the last thing they said to their loved one, unresolved disputes or even not being there with them as they died. Or they worry about how others expect them to grieve, how to move on or they wonder if they will ever feel better again or be able to cope.
Whatever you are feeling is totally normal and it will eventually become easier with time as you learn to sit with these feelings – so don’t be annoyed or frustrated with yourself.
Try to treat yourself with the same tender loving care that you would give to a friend who was in the same situation.
Practise self care to manage your stress
Eating a healthy diet and sleeping when you can will give you the stamina you need to cope with your grief. And although it can be tempting to numb your grief with alcohol or drugs, in the long term they will only make you feel worse and the grief will still be there.
Spending time outdoors, gardening, walking, exercise, deep breathing, meditation, and yoga are all excellent tools to help practise self care and manage your grief.
It will probably feel quite counterintuitive when all you want to do is to hide under the doona, however spending time in nature can really lift your spirits.
Accept help from friends, family and health professionals
Don’t try to do everything on your own even though you will probably feel like shutting yourself away from the rest of the world. If talking about your loss is just too hard, sometimes simply being around family and friends who care about you can really help.
Family and friends often don’t know what to say or how to help so don’t hesitate to tell others what you need and ask for help, even if it’s just being there to listen.
Remember, talking about your grief won’t make you a burden to your family and friends – they will want to help!
If you need further support with your grief, talk to your GP, join a bereavement support group, talk to a bereavement counsellor or call Lifeline – 13 11 14 – for 24-hour crisis support from a trained health professional.