We’ve created this step-by-step guide to help you create a fitting tribute to your loved one without it sounding like a CV or a chronological list of their life events … AND keep yourself together while delivering it.
Just remember, although writing a eulogy may be one of the toughest things you’ll ever do… it can be the most rewarding!
Do your research and ask others for help
Write down all the facts and stories you remember about that person, such as their age, childhood, siblings, education, job, marriage dates, places lived, children, etc.
Now think about how you know that person.
- What was your relationship to them?
- Were they a parent, a sibling or another relative?
- A work colleague?
- A friend?
Don’t try to become a sudden expert on their work life, for example, if you were their child or grandchild. Keep it real and focus on the person you knew, your relationship to them and the context you knew them in.
Sometimes there will be more than one eulogy, so work together to make sure you’re not repeating the same information.
If there is only one eulogy and you are presenting it, do your research and talk to people who did know the other aspects of their life, especially those who shared years of friendship and memories. There will often be more than the stories you remember… ask others to contribute their memories too.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help because it’s also a good way to help heal the hurt others might feel if they had wanted to speak at the funeral but weren’t asked.
Know what to include
No matter how well people think they know the deceased, they often come away from a funeral learning something new and interesting about another part of that person’s life that they were not a part of.
The sort of things people want to hear about the person who has died, include:
- What kind of a person were they?
- What were the values and beliefs that drove them?
- What were they passionate about?
- What did they accomplish in their lives? What were they proud of?
- What are they leaving behind? Who or what will they be sad to leave?
- Who will they miss? Who are the important people in their lives who need to be named and acknowledged in the eulogy too?
- What are the most positive things about this person? What would they want to be remembered for?
Remember that everyone at the funeral had a different relationship with the person who has died, so always be inclusive and acknowledge those relationships in your eulogy. A good way to make a eulogy more inclusive is to include stories that also involve friends and family members who are present.
Write the eulogy in a way that anybody listening could understand what was being said about the deceased even if they didn’t know them at that stage of their life.
Know what to leave out
A eulogy is not the time nor the place to focus on negative or unpleasant aspects of the deceased’s life.
Mourners do not want to or need to hear about:
- Mistakes or bad decisions that the deceased made.
- Personal matters that you know the deceased would want to remain private.
- Any mentions of questionable behaviour, ongoing family tensions or disputes or long-held grudges.
- Irrelevant and boring information.
- Unpleasant and detailed medical information about the illness they died of or the suffering they endured.
Although there is certainly a place for humour, this is not an opportunity to “roast” the deceased and you should always remain respectful.
Don’t be a list maker – be a storyteller instead
Lists are long and boring. People remember stories and connect through stories.
It is impossible to summarise the events of a whole life into one eulogy – you cannot include everything. Save some stories and events to be shared at the wake or in a more appropriate context with the friends and family who will find these more detailed stories meaningful.
Many eulogy writers fall into the trap of composing a chronological list of events to illustrate the life of the deceased – these types of eulogies are long and boring and often sound like a CV. Instead, think about the key stories and quotes that best illuminate the life of your loved one.
To organise the structure of your eulogy, write down all your thoughts and memories on small cards or post-it notes. You can then arrange these in a logical order once you’re ready to structure your eulogy.
If you’re uncertain where to begin, one way to approach it is to write a letter to your loved one. Although you probably won’t deliver the eulogy in this format, it will help you to keep it personal.
Practice makes perfect
Ask your family and friends to read through the draft of your eulogy, identify any errors, provide feedback on the structure/flow of your eulogy and offer suggestions on other material you might want to include.
If you are not used to speaking in public, the best way to practice is to read your speech aloud to yourself in front of a mirror and then in front of family and friends.
To help polish your eulogy delivery and work out timing:
- Set a timer and time your delivery – tighten or expand your eulogy to ensure it is not too brief, or too lengthy.
- Speak slowly and clearly, carefully rehearsing the pronunciation of unfamiliar names and places.
- Print the speech in a large clear font with double spacing and single-sided printing.
- If you need to wear reading glasses make the font large enough to read without glasses so you don’t need to keep taking your reading glasses on and off as you look up and down from the lectern to the audience.
- Print the page numbers at the bottom of each page so they don’t become muddled.
- Staple the pages together and keep them flat (don’t roll the pages as you take them to the service) – this will help them to sit well on the lectern.
Keep it short and have a back up plan
If you are the only person delivering a eulogy aim to make it between 5-10 minutes long. If there are several eulogies, try to keep it to 3-5 minutes long and talk to the other people delivering eulogies to ensure you are all focusing on different aspects of the deceased’s life and not repeating the same stories.
Don’t forget to let the minister or funeral celebrant know how long your eulogy will be so they can plan the length of the funeral.
If you’re worried that you might become overcome with emotion while delivering the eulogy, have a close family member or friend stand next to you. Ask the minister, funeral celebrant or friend if they would be willing to take over if needed and give them a copy of the eulogy.
Knowing you have a backup speaker will probably be all you need to give you the strength and confidence to be able to deliver the eulogy.
Deliver the eulogy with confidence
Delivering the eulogy is a privilege and honour, the ultimate and last gift you can give someone you love.
Above all, be yourself. Don’t try to be too funny or too serious if that is not your personality.
Remember to breathe and know that everyone in the room is rooting for you and that it is okay to show emotion. It’s okay to smile, giggle and laugh…after all, life is fun, not sad!
Be proud of yourself…It is said that most people would rather be in the coffin than give the Eulogy.
To find out more about ways the team at Funerals at Design can help you with any aspect of planning a funeral, burial, cremation or a wake, get in touch. We’re here to help!